Mr. Bear.

Mr. Bear, Mr. T. Bear, to be exact, is somewhat of a well-known character. He is not a major celebrity, or the man of the hour, but still, Mr. Bear is known 2 the public. It’s hard to say what the general notion towards Mr. Bear is; being the secretive person that he seems to be. It almost seems like even though being appreciated, Mr. Bear doesn’t concern the general public as other stars do. No gossip, No scandals, No sex, drugs & rock’n’roll. Not really a very good tabloid material.
Yet, during the passing 2 or 3 years, slowly, but surely, a small obsession has been growing in me.
An obsession for Mr. Bear.
It was not a sexual obsession, cause Mr. Bear can hardly be considered a hot sex symbol. It wasn’t he’s sharp intellect either, cause, quite frankly, I never really heard Mr. Bear speak out of character, & most of Mr. Bear’s characters, were not of the scholar kind. Nor was it he’s sense of style, he’s good looks or he’s money.

So what is it about Mr. Bear?

I guess what caught my attention about Mr. Bear was that he seemed so real. He wasn’t super polished & elegant, he didn’t have sparkling white teeth, & full lustrous hair, he could look awful, or (god help us!) simply ordinary. He seemed to be one of us. But it wasn’t really he’s appearance; it was more about he’s face & facial expressions. Whatever emotion he’s character went through, he was so convincing, that gradually, I began to feel like I know him, or would want to, & that he’s a rare Jewel among the shit that surrounds us in the media world.
I realized of course, being over 16 & still somewhat in touch with reality, that he IS an actor, and IT IS a character that he is only creating, but no one in the world could convince me that the warmth, intimacy, and integrity that this character seemed to (sometimes) have, did not come from the actual person behind it. And it was the warmth that actually won me over. That shy, sometimes embarrassed look in he’s eyes, that huge physical presence, the sad smile, the bursting sudden laughter. He seemed to own qualities I really needed. He seemed to symbolize many things that I was looking for, fully aware or subconsciously, for many years.

But he was Mr. Bear, & he lived he’s own bearish life.
And I was me, with my life to live.

So, I fantasized.

Looking for Mr. Bear

So, each morning on my way to work, walking up the street, I would imagine that I see Mr. Bear standing by he’s window on one of the top floors, holding he’s morning cop of coffee, still half asleep. He would see me looking at him and nod for good morning. I would be goodmorninging him back. And just like that we would establish our morning routine, & would each find it a nice day to start the day.
Or, I would meet him going down the street, on he’s way to work or from the neighborhood deli. I would get very excited, cause I love him so, & would stop him to tell him how great I think he is, & how he affected me. He would smile, pet me on the head, say a polite thank you, & we would both sale on happy.
When I would go really wild, I would imagine meeting him and start talking to him, making the smartest observation, effecting him deeply, and adding new angles to he’s point of view. He would, of course be deeply impressed & immediately want to introduce me to he’s co-workers. I would say I have no experience in that sort of thing etc., but he would insist, & so from starting out as a very small roll, I would become a huge star, all thanks to him and to that special bond we have.
Most of my fantasies about Mr. Bear did not have a sexual nature, him being the type of warm and fatherly figure that he is. From time to time I would slip though, and might find him watching me and my boyfriend having sex, or would find him hugging me from behind, in a not so fatherly way when I would go to sleep. But most of the time, he would just be my big ol’ Teddy Bear.

And so, I would go around town, running scripts in my head, keeping my eyes open in places I thought I might find him, & generally amusing myself with those sorts of thoughts.

Months would come and go, and there would be times when I would think about Mr. Bear a lot, & times I would hardly think of him at all, depending on what went on in my life.
I’ve had the habit of having such fantasies for many years. They come and go, and after a while, a new object of desire would replace the old one. Most of the times they would have a sexual nature, but sometimes not. They would vary, they would come and go, and as time went by, Mr. Bear’s hold of me began to slowly fade.

Until, I met Mr. Bear.

Meeting Mr. Bear

It happened out of the blue off course, when I was not prepared at all. As a matter of fact, I was putting on my coat and was about to leave the downtown restaurant I was in, when it was brought to my attention, that Mr. Bear had just entered the room. I t didn’t take me very long to get acquainted with Mr. Bear, after all, I have been waiting for this moment for so long. We didn’t have an intimate conversation, nor did we share any deep thoughts or feelings, and as a matter of fact, I didn’t even get to tell him my name. But still, I’m many ways, our interaction was much more that I could hope for, and simply because Mr. Bear was behaving exactly the way I fantasized he would; He was sweat, warm, funny and affectionate. But he was also flirtatious and sexual. My emotions (after recovering from the shock of this miraculous thing) were a mixture of joy, embarrassment & a bit of a sorrow.
Joy for him being so sweat & for finding little ol’ me attractive; Embarrassment because of the sexual tension I did not expect, and sorrow for not being able to go with it, not only because I am in a very satisfying relationship, but also cause this is not quite the nature of my emotions towards him.

For a week after the meeting I was walking on air. What are the odds, that in a city as populated as NY, I would come across my No. 1 fantasy, and that my fantasy would be so unbelievably sweat to me?

So now what?

Well, now that it’s been a few weeks, and I’m walking on solid ground again, the whole thing is back in proportion. I’m very happy I met him, and that evening is a sweat sweat memory.
So does that mean I’ve stopped for Mr. Bear?
Off course not.
The search for Mr. Bear, and he’s replacements to come, comes from an emotional void of some sort. For reasons already mentioned, Mr. Bear was chosen as something or someone that might fill that void. But Mr. Bear & Company could never actually do that. Their being only reflects the void’s presence; it has nothing to do with who they really are. I don’t know who they really are. And like in "Memento" I can’t stop looking for them, even if I do meet them in person.

So I’m keeping my eyes open, waiting for the next time we meet, the long conversation we’ll have, how he will think I am so bright, and funny, and special, and how I will feel, so happy, and calm, and a whole..

Just the way it should be.